Asymmetric Keigo: Humbling Your Own Boss (Uchi-Soto)
Asymmetric keigo explains why you humble your own boss to outsiders. When you speak to someone outside your group about someone inside it, you lower your own side, no matter how senior that person is internally.1 If you already know the keigo forms, this is the situational logic that tells you which form to actually produce.
Overview
You already know the forms. You can conjugate 尊敬語 (sonkeigo, respectful language) for someone above you, 謙譲語 (kenjōgo, humble language) for your own actions toward them, and 丁寧語 (teineigo, polite です／ます). Asymmetric keigo answers a different question: who counts as "above you" in this conversation?
The answer is not fixed by rank. A group boundary assigns it, and that boundary moves with the listener.
The principle: raise the outside, lower the inside
The Japanese government's official keigo guidance, 敬語の指針 (2007, Guidelines for Honorific Language), states the core mechanic plainly: 「自分側は立てない」, "do not raise your own side."1 When you describe your own group's actions, you do not use language that elevates that group.1
"Own side" (自分側) means more than just yourself. It includes the people you treat as belonging to your in-group, such as your own family.1
父は来週海外へ行きます。1
"My father is going abroad next week."
The verb here is the plain 行きます, not the sonkeigo いらっしゃいます, precisely because you do not raise your own father when speaking to an outsider.1 The same logic applies directly to the workplace. When outsiders are present, the guidance says, your own company president should not be raised: 「『ウチ』の社長は立てない方が良い。」1
The 敬語の指針 puts the workplace rule in a single line: when many people from outside the company are present, an in-group versus out-group relationship arises. That means the in-group president is better left unraised.1 Everything else here applies that rule to specific verbs and situations.
Keigo is relative, not absolute
Your boss is "up" from you. Relative to a client, your boss is "down." Politeness in Japanese is not pinned to a person's fixed status. It depends on which side of the group boundary that person stands on for this listener.
The 敬語の指針 demonstrates this with one president in two settings.1 At an in-house year-end party, you raise the president:
社長からごあいさつを頂きます。1
"We will receive a greeting from the president."
At an event with many outsiders present, you raise the outsiders instead, which means lowering the same president:
社長からごあいさつを申し上げます。1
"The president will offer a greeting."
Same president, same greeting, two opposite forms. Only the audience changed. 頂きます raises the president. 申し上げます aims the politeness at the outside audience and leaves the president unraised.1
Where this sits among the keigo pillars
The 敬語の指針 defines five categories: 尊敬語 (sonkeigo, the 「いらっしゃる・おっしゃる」 type), 謙譲語I (kenjōgo I, the 「伺う・申し上げる」 type), 謙譲語II / 丁重語 (kenjōgo II / teichōgo, the 「参る・申す」 type), 丁寧語 (teineigo, the 「です・ます」 type), and 美化語 (bikago, the 「お酒・お料理」 type).1
This article is the situational layer that sits on top of those five. The framework already defines the forms. Asymmetric keigo decides which one you use once a group boundary enters the conversation.1
Defining the boundary: uchi (内) and soto (外)
What goes inside the line
Your in-group (内, uchi) is yourself plus the people you treat as your own side. The 敬語の指針 explicitly counts family among them.1
Toward outsiders, family terms shift to their humble forms. In case 22 of the guidance, when you treat family as in-group members, you say 「父・母・祖父・祖母・伯父（叔父）・伯母（叔母）・兄・姉」 rather than the address forms 「お父さん・お母さん」.1
The same logic governs your company: colleagues, your department, and your superiors are all inside the line when an outside party is listening.
| Spoken to outsiders (uchi, humble) | Spoken inside / as address (raised) |
|---|---|
| 父 (chichi, my father) | お父さん (otōsan) |
| 母 (haha, my mother) | お母さん (okāsan) |
| 部長の田中 (Tanaka, our department head) | 田中部長 (Department Head Tanaka) |
The line moves with the conversation
The boundary is not fixed. The guidance notes that when outsiders are present, a company-uchi versus company-soto relationship appears. That relationship did not exist among insiders only: 「社外の人が多くいる場合には，会社のウチ・会社のソトといった関係が生じる」.1
The same president is raised at the insiders-only party and lowered at the outsiders' event. Who is listening decides the form.1 A competing social frame can also override the boundary.
By strict uchi-soto, a colleague teacher is in-group. So the guidance prefers 「田中はおりません。」 to a student's guardian over 「田中先生はおりません。」1 But the 文化庁 (Agency for Cultural Affairs) public-opinion survey found many people support 「田中先生」 toward a guardian. In schools, the teacher-of-the-student relationship can outrank the plain group boundary.1
Picture the boundary as a set of nested rings. When a more distant party enters, the ring that contains both you and your superior becomes a single "us." Everyone inside it goes humble together.
How to demote your own group
Drop sonkeigo for your own side
The basic move is to stop honoring your own side's actions once the listener is an outsider. The core rule again: 「『自分側は立てない』というのが，尊敬語や謙譲語Ⅰを使う場合の基本的な原則である。」1
Putting sonkeigo on your own father to an outsider is explicitly labeled inappropriate, because いらっしゃる raises your own side.1
父は来週海外へ行きます。1
"My father is going abroad next week."
The source marks 父は来週海外へいらっしゃいます as 適切ではない (not appropriate): いらっしゃる elevates your own father, which the rule forbids.1 The neutral 行きます is the general correct form.1
Use humble forms for your in-group's actions
Switching to 謙譲語I does not fix the problem, because that family of verbs also raises someone, just a different person. Saying 明日父のところに伺います is also wrong: 伺う raises the destination, which is again your own father.1
The form that fits when you describe your own side to a listener is 謙譲語II.1 This is the inversion learners often miss.
The mistake is to think you simply leave out politeness for your boss. You do not. You switch the target of politeness from your boss to the listener. 謙譲語II / 丁重語 still sounds formal while lowering your own side.1
Kenjōgo II (謙譲語II): おる, 参る, 申す, いたす
謙譲語II, also called 丁重語 (teichōgo, courteous language), describes your own side's actions politely toward the listener, not toward an honored third party. The guidance defines it as 「自分側の行為・ものごとなどを，話や文章の相手に対して丁重に述べるもの」 and lists 「参る，申す，いたす，おる／拙著，小社」 as its members.1
The key property is direction. 参る works as keigo toward the listener (相手), not toward an honored object. It covers both 行く and 来る.1
明日から海外へ参ります。1
"I will be going abroad from tomorrow."
The same verb applies to an in-group person reported to an outsider:
父は来週海外へ参ります。1
"My father will be going abroad next week."
息子は明日から海外に参ります。1
"My son will be going abroad from tomorrow."
This is why "our president will go" uses 参る, not the sonkeigo いらっしゃる: the president is on your own side, and the politeness is aimed at the listener. The same 謙譲語II also appears in nouns such as 拙著 (my book) and 小社 (our company), though those are mainly written-language forms.1
Names and titles across the boundary
Treating your boss as in-group to a client also changes how you name them. Referring to your boss by bare surname is fine. Attaching the title as a form of address, as in 「田中部長」, is not an in-group treatment and is inappropriate toward outsiders.1
部長の田中は…1
"Tanaka, our department head, …"
The guidance approves 「部長の田中」, where 部長 is a job description, and rejects 「田中部長」 toward outsiders.1 In formal settings, you can also avoid the name entirely with 「弊社の部長」 (our company's department head), or use the less formal 「うちの部長」. In both, 部長 simply marks the rank.1
Calling your superior 「田中」 to a client may feel uncomfortable. But the guidance distinguishes it sharply from 呼び捨て (dropping someone's title to belittle them). It is an uchi-soto expression, not an insult.1
Common phone-call patterns
The business-phone sentences below are stock templates from etiquette publishers. They use ○○ placeholders for the in-group person's name. They are templates, not individual recorded utterances. The grammar underneath them, おる and 申し伝える as own-side humbling toward the listener, is anchored to the government framework.12
"He is away from his desk": 席を外しております
You use おる (謙譲語II) instead of いる because the in-group person is not honored toward the outside caller. おる is on the guidance's list of 謙譲語II verbs.1 The stock template phrase keeps the ○○ placeholder where the colleague's name goes:
あいにく○○はただいま席を外しております。3
"I'm afraid ○○ is away from the desk right now."
Here ○○ is your colleague's bare name, with no さん and no honorific. The etiquette source confirms 「席を外しております」 is correct keigo, not rude.3 It also separates two senses of absence: 「席を外しております」 means a brief absence with a quick return, while 「外出しております」 means the person has left the company premises.3
"He is not in right now": ただ今おりません
To state that an in-group person is absent, you negate the same 謙譲語II verb おる. That gives ただ今おりません rather than the sonkeigo いらっしゃいません. Grammatically, the form is the negative of おる. Durable etiquette sources more often phrase the same absence as 席を外しております, 外出しております, or 不在にしております.3
申し訳ございませんが、○○はただいま席を外しており、戻り時間が未定でございます。3
"I'm very sorry, but ○○ is away from the desk at the moment, and the return time is undecided."
"I will pass the message on": 申し伝えます
申し伝える is the humble form of 言い伝える, "to relay a message." It lowers the speaker to raise the addressee.2 The source defines it as the 謙譲語 of 「言い伝える」 in the sense of passing on or relaying words.2
The crucial point is the direction of the humility. When you relay an outside caller's message to an insider, the humility targets the outside caller, not the in-group recipient.2
部長が戻りましたら、〇〇様にお電話差し上げるよう申し伝えます。2
"When the department head returns, I will pass on that he should call you, ○○-sama."
ご質問の内容、確かに承りました。担当者に申し伝えます。2
"I have certainly received the content of your question. I will pass it on to the person in charge."
Reaching for お伝えします here is the natural-feeling error. The お…する pattern raises the recipient of the message. Here, that recipient is your own in-group colleague, so it breaks the uchi-soto rule. 申し伝える is correct because the humility is aimed at the outside caller. This holds whether the in-group recipient is your superior or your subordinate.2
Receiving vs relaying: who gets honored
Within a single phone call, the two directions split cleanly. The outside caller is raised, and the in-group boss is lowered, sometimes inside one sentence.2
In the verbatim relay sentence above, お電話差し上げる and 承る raise the outside caller ○○様. 申し伝える and the bare 部長 leave the in-group boss unraised.2 The relay rule is independent of internal rank: 申し伝える stays correct whether the in-group recipient outranks you or not, because the politeness points outward.2
Nuance and usage contexts
When the boundary flips back
Among insiders only, the boss is honored again. The 敬語の指針's two settings for the same president are the standard demonstration: the insiders-only year-end party uses the raising form 頂きます, while the outsider event uses the non-raising 申し上げます.1
社長からごあいさつを頂きます。1
"We will receive a greeting from the president."
The reason it flips is that with insiders only, just the in-company standing matters, so the president remains someone to raise.1
Talking about family to outsiders
The same principle works outside business. In a formal setting, refer to your own family with the humble terms 「父・母」 and so on.1
The register relaxes with closeness. With a close listener, the stiff 「父・母・祖父・祖母」 can feel やや改まり過ぎ (a little too formal). Forms like 「父親・母親・おやじ・おふくろ」 become available depending on the situation.1 The basic contrast is the in-group 父 / 母 against the address forms お父さん / お母さん, the same own-family versus other-family kinship split that the vocabulary tracks.1
Customer-facing vs peer-company contexts
The boundary is created by the presence of outsiders: 「社外の人が多くいる場合には，会社のウチ・会社のソトといった関係が生じる」.1 That much is firmly established by the guidance.
How far the humbling shifts between a brand-new client and a vendor you deal with daily is a matter of feel, not a documented scale. The reliable rule is binary: once an outside party is in the conversation, your group goes humble. The finer gradations are judgment calls, not codified levels.1
Good to know
The classic mistake: honoring your own boss to a client
The most common uchi-soto error is putting sonkeigo on an in-group person when speaking to an outsider. Examples include saying 父は来週海外へいらっしゃいます, or telling a client 社長はいらっしゃいません. The rule 「『自分側は立てない』」 forbids it, and the guidance marks the いらっしゃる version 適切ではない.1 The correct forms drop the elevation:
父は来週海外へ行きます。1
"My father is going abroad next week."
Toward a listener, you may also use the 丁重 form 父は来週海外へ参ります. The 社長 case generalizes the same move to the workplace, where 「『ウチ』の社長は立てない方が良い。」1
Why おる sounds wrong applied to the listener
The mirror-image error is aiming 謙譲語II at the wrong person: using 参る or おる for the listener's actions, or for someone you should be raising. Asking a client （あなたは）どちらから参りましたか, or saying 先生は来週海外へ参ります, is inappropriate. 謙譲語II only lowers your own side.1 The correct forms raise the other party:
先生は来週海外へいらっしゃいます。1
"The teacher will go abroad next week."
The directionality is the whole point of the form: your own side down, the listener up.1
Mnemonic: the camera zooms out
Picture a camera. When an outsider steps into the frame, the lens zooms out and your whole group shrinks to a single small "us." Everyone inside your line, boss included, goes humble together. This image maps the guidance's rule: the presence of outsiders creates a company-uchi versus company-soto split.1
Teichōgo aside: 電車が参ります
参る is not always pointed at a superior. 謙譲語II can describe third parties or even objects that do not need to be raised at all, as in the guidance's examples 「あ，バスが参りました。」 and 「夜も更けて参りました。」1
あ、バスが参りました。1
"Ah, the bus has arrived."
The station-announcement form is the most familiar case. The train is not being lowered toward any particular passenger. The humble verb is the company's courtesy to the listening passengers, whom it raises by lowering itself.4
電車が参ります。4
"A train is arriving."
See also
- Keigo Grammar Overview: How to Conjugate Honorific, Humble, and Polite Verbs
- How to Choose the Right Keigo Level: A Practical Guide
- Common Keigo Mistakes: 二重敬語 & Baito Keigo
- Irregular Kenjōgo Verbs: The Special Humble Verb Forms (伺う, 参る, 申す, いたす)
- Irregular Sonkeigo Verbs: The Special Respectful Verb Forms (いらっしゃる, 召し上がる, おっしゃる)
- How to Write a Japanese Business Email: Keigo Guide